To my friend who is trying to conceive,
The hardest and most tear provoking words I have ever had to utter were ‘I’m pregnant’ not because I was upset about been pregnant and I was breaking the news to my partner or not because I was sixteen and terrified; but because I was telling my good news, to you, my friend who is struggling to conceive.
I already had two children when I fell pregnant with the twins, we weren’t trying for a baby and yet there we were, pregnant with two of them. I could almost hear your thoughts – ‘It’s not fair, It’s not fair’. I could see the tears in your eyes, when you said, ‘Congratulations I’m really pleased for you all’. I could feel the hurt, the ache, in your arms as you hugged me. I could feel your pain but I couldn’t do anything about it, I couldn’t even tell you I knew how you felt – I didn’t. I couldn’t tell you that I knew everything was going to be ok – I didn’t know that. I could only say I am sorry. I am sorry for your heartache.
I don’t know how devastating it is for your dreams of tiny cotton vests, cot building and nappy changing, to seem further and further away with each month that passes.
I don’t know how much you hate visiting the doctor, each time leaving with a new set of life rules – Lose weight, gain weight, exercise less, exercise more, don’t drink, don’t eat that, eat more of that, worry less, have sex more. I can only imagine how much you hate that.
I can’t imagine how panic stricken you were as you lay on a table waiting for invasive medical examinations. I don’t know how you coped with the dread and the embarrassment you felt, or how you gather all your strength to carry on because you knew that all those procedures are part of your journey towards motherhood.
I don’t know how you put on a brave face every time someone else announces their pregnancy. I don’t know how you continue to smile on the outside every time a birth is announced or every time another baby shower invite lands on your door mat. I Just don’t know.
But what I do know is this….
I know that you feel guilty, I know that you feel guilty about avoiding your pregnant friends, and only visiting the new baby for five minutes because you can’t possibly hold the tears back any longer. I know that you feel guilty about the resentment and the jealousy you feel when a new pregnancy is announced. I know that you miss christenings and first birthday parties and you feel guilty about that too, and I know that you shouldn’t.
You shouldn’t feel guilty, not one bit. Do what you need to, cry when you want and avoid everyone you must. Don’t try and stay strong for everyone else, let else be strong for you. Love and be kind to yourself. This is your journey and no one can tell you or judge how you handle it.
I pray that one day, you can utter those two words to me.
For now, I love you.
From your friend who struggles to know what to say. X X X