All cups, spoons, plates and cutlery must be the same.
If you have more than one child, in order to avoid, body slamming, feet kicking, hand swinging and physical acts of violence between children, you will need to make sure that every beaker, plate and bowl are exactly the same, with no variation of colour or pattern. If you happen to have (like me) a selection of multi coloured bowels and beakers in your cupboard and the odd character plate or beaker that came from McDonalds or attached to an Easter egg…. You’re fucked…. Add at least an extra two hours onto breakfast time to referee arguments that will erupt because of said character beaker.
Never offer a choice of cereal….
Never! It will take the average four-year-old approximately five hours and nine minutes to make a decision between Rice Krispies and cornflakes, there is no way you will be getting them through those school gates on time. Offering them a selection of cereals also gives them the opportunity to declare “This isn’t what I asked for!!!!!!” Yes, cereal choices will turn your children into patrons of the Ritz and you into the waiter.
You might not be able to tell one brand of fruit juice from the next but you can bet your life on it that your nine-year-old will, and they will have a whole mornings worth of conspiracy theories as to why the juice tastes strange…. “I’m not drinking that it tastes funny”…. “what's wrong with it Mum??”…. “I bet someone's poisoned it!” …. “Is it wine??”… “Is it out of date”….. You tell them that nothing is wrong with it, as you discard of the Tesco basic carton that has replaced your usual premium brand, whilst making a mental note that a saving of eighty-two pence isn’t worth the interrogation.
They may seem like a healthy breakfast option for your little ones, but if any should end up on the table or floor and you don’t clean it up within a second , you are likely to give yourself an aneurysm attempting to remove the dried Weetabix with a hammer and chisel.
Never sit down at breakfast while your children our eating because if they see you attempt to sit down, its game over. Before your bum has even made contact with the dining chair someone will spill a cup of juice, a child will tip their breakfast onto their lap, someone will whack someone else with a spoon or a bowl, someone will need a poo and someone else will have already done a poo!!!..... Do not, I repeat do not sit down!!!