Wednesday, 13 July 2016

Working Mummy to Student Mummy

A couple of months back now I told you all that the guilt that I felt when leaving Millie and the Babies to be looked after by someone else, was magnified because I hated was no longer in love with my job. My decision to return to work after the Babies were born was a quick, maybe rash decision that I made when we first found out we were expecting twins (basically my world had been rocked. I was desperately trying to keep the pieces in their original places and prove to everyone I could do it all) and I stuck with that decision. I had been a working Mum of one and then two, I could do it with four. No problem!!?!

Before I started my materninty leave with the twins I genuinely enjoyed my job working in benefits, I thrived off the interaction and satisfaction of helping people. My plan was to spend twelve blissful months on maternity leave and then do a little skip, hop and jump as I returned back to my desk at work every day with bright eyes and eagerness!

Not quite how it went......

A lot of aspects of my role had changed on my return but probably the biggest change was me. I hadn't anticipated falling in love with the 'Stay At Home Mum' role during my maternity leave. I was always eager to get back to work and in a routine after the birth of firstly Leo and then Millie.  I hadn't anticipated getting as much joy from the crazy trips to the, parks, farms, lakes and sandpits as the Babies and Millie did.

I hadn't anticipated the agony of leaving them in tears in the morning because all that they wanted was one more cuddle and I didn't have time.

Cinderella's shoe needed to be found but I didn't have time.

A missing bear was the only comfort that was needed but I didn't have time.

I hadn't anticipated sitting at my desk at work fantasising about visiting a pond to feed the ducks surrounded by laughter and questions rather than sat in a grey office staring blankly at a computer screen.

If I was going to leave the Babies while they are still babies, then it needed to be for something worthwhile and the reason could not have me looking back in years to come regretting my decision not to spend every waking moment with them before they were old enough to attend school.

It was a conversation that I had with Leo that gave me the motivation I had craved to apply to university to do a degree in English and Creative Writing. I have always loved books and have been writing for as long as Leo can remember usually crap, waffle, more recently bits of freelance that I have been paid for and the odd children's story that I have read to him and Millie but regardless of what I have written he has always been my biggest fan. We were driving home from school one afternoon when he asked me if I would be disappointed in him if he decided to be a Scientist instead of an Archaeologist (that question alone makes me want to crack open the champagne, give myself a high five and shout from the roof tops 'my child is a legend' I have defiantly cracked this parenting 8 year olds malarkey) I told him he could do whatever he wanted as long as it made him happy and it was legalish. His response to me was 'We don't care what you do either Mummy! As long as it makes you happy' (another high five to myself, another bottle of champagne that needs cracking open.....THIS KID!!!!)

So after throwing caution to the wind I sent in my application
to university. Filling in that application form took me weeks. I poured my heart, tears, sweat, everything I had into it. I kind of felt that this was my one and only chance, like I was applying for my life. By the time they contacted me to ask for samples of my writing (I didn't send them the waffle from this blog incase you were wondering) and a further few weeks wait was anticipated, I was a nervous wreck.

I eventually got the news that I had hoped for an unconditional offer to study English and Creative
Writing BA (Hons) The excitement and absoloute relief that I felt knowing that I was finally going to be following my dream was indescribable. I still cant quite believe it now and with a whole summer ahead of us before September I cant wait to make some amazing memories with the kids, to spend quality time with Millie before her very first day at school and of course the annual school uniform shopping trip has become a lot more interesting now I will need 'school' clothes too!

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